Wednesday, September 15, 2004

The Most Unhelpful Man in the World has a Friend!

See my earlier post for full details on the Most Unhelpful Man in the World. Today his good friend, Frank O'Shea, visited me at my beautiful tiny box to perform a means test.

Frank's angle was to ask permission for everything.

"May I come in?"
Sure, come in vampire.
"May I sit down?"
I am about to say something.
"Do you have any formal photographic identification?"
Oooh, small talk, I love it.

So Frank goes on in his incredibly honed abrupt style. It's so impersonal that I am expecting at any moment a ridiculously intimate question.

"Do you stroke your testicles before going to sleep, Mr Kennedy? And if so, do you stroke them up and down or employ a more circular motion..."
"Would you engage in ass play with the right woman, Mr Kennedy?"
"I notice you have a double bed. Do you roll around on it crying with frustrated lust, Mr Kennedy?"

He is there for perhaps 20 minutes, but Frank's genius makes it feel like 9 agonising seconds, like a trapped sneeze. He manages to scorn me, disdain erupting from every pore, without saying anything disparaging or using negative body language. He has tuned his aura to a killer pitch. Some guy.

He leaves.

Bye Frank!

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