Wednesday, October 20, 2004

For JJ - # 1

Another snippet of a forthcoming thing to make people ha ha

Blast-off from the everyday

It takes hostage negotiators to get me out of bed.

I lie there listening to the lead negotiator on the loudhailer.
“Move away from the bed, Jason. We can discuss your demands, but you must move away from the bed.”
I don’t move.
“Jason, there is milk in the fridge, we repeat, there is milk in the fridge. There is muesli in the cupboard, and we are sending in a fresh bowl. You could be eating breakfast in seconds, Jason.”
I don’t move.
“You badly need a piss, Jason. Don’t make us switch on the PA and play the sound of running water till you wet your pants. Spare yourself such an indignity and move away from the bed. Go to the bathroom and make number one, please, Jason.”
I feel the pushing pain down there. I think they’ve got me. I slump out of bed and I can hear people cheering outside. The door is broken down. Special Forces burst in. They efficiently destroy the bed and leave. One of them picks up a DVD from the floor, it’s Billy Liar. He drops it into a baggie and seals it.

I should wash and get dressed. I should have breakfast, too. I never quite know what order to do these things.

The aerobics team have appeared. They are four suntanned Australians, two male, two female. One of them lays out an exercise mat for me.

“We’ve got 25 minutes of pumping house music and a load of top-whack exercising to get through, mate, so you might wanna finish up in the dunny, take a shower, slip on your complementary shorts and singlet and join us. Cos we can’t wait to get started, can we gang?”
The gang does a synchronised whoop.
“C’mon, Jase, get to it, and by the way, what happened to the bed, mate?”

I shower briskly. I can hear the aerobics team outside; they are talking over fitness regimes, the benefits and drawbacks of certain lo-carb diets, the usual thing they talk about. They actually never talk of anything other than exercising. These people can’t even take a bite on a biscuit without incorporating a series of star jumps and a couple of lunges.

“You use up 22% of the energy from your food just by chewing it and digesting it, Jase, but what about the other 78%? That’s what we’re here for.”

I slip into my exercise gear. I tighten the laces on my running shoes. I’m ready.

“Maybe I could have breakfast first?”
“No way, Jase! Let’s work up an appetite, hey? Imagine how good your low-fat semi-portion of Oaties is gonna taste after working up a real sweat! You’ll have earned every single flake, mate.”

I go and stand on my mat. The sounds of Ibiza 2004 start up.

12 Comments:

Blogger bhikka said...

: ) Has a quality of American Splendor to it!

7:43 PM  
Blogger kingfelix said...

Thanks for that. I had a look, but i don't know if you're referring to comic book or the film. I'll try and find it when i go back to Britain start of November

1:59 PM  
Blogger bhikka said...

Smarties and muesili, no wonder you've been ill.......

5:33 PM  
Blogger bhikka said...

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5:33 PM  
Blogger bhikka said...

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7:12 AM  
Blogger bhikka said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

7:12 AM  
Blogger bhikka said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

7:12 AM  
Blogger bhikka said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

7:12 AM  
Blogger bhikka said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

7:12 AM  
Blogger bhikka said...

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7:12 AM  
Blogger kingfelix said...

Carla, thanks for 1) making me think there'd been a rash of INTERESTING comments and 2) filling up a post with your flaming repeated drivel of a comment

oh dear, were you at the Outer Limits of Human Experience, again?

10:17 AM  
Blogger bhikka said...

I am sorry, I really do not have any explaination as to why my comments decided to clone themselves all over your webpage. HONESTLY. Please beleive me it was a weird phenomenon!

10:56 AM  

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