Wednesday, November 24, 2004

Fear - 12 days!

I caved in last night. I felt fear.

Fear with a stamp of foolishness - I specialise in this. I mean, without waving my arms and making dramatic gestures, I believe I could bring most people onside with regard to specific types of fear and their utter validity. For instance:

You wander out of your tent in Africa and there is a lion there, a hungry looking lion.

My fears didn't involve any lions, hungry, sated, or twisted with fury. My fears were ungrounded and lay in that hazy place, the future. I believe this is symptomatic of my leaving Ireland in a short time. My winter store of the nuts of inner peace are being nibbled ferociously by the squirrels of doubt. To combat this attack I have deployed the guard of positive thinking and the crawling baby of curiosity. So far, the results are inconclusive.

Pre-American Face-Pulling Exercises

In just 12 days, I will be on a lower level of Dublin Airport, being processed for my trip to America. I will have my eyes scanned, my mug shot taken, my fingers printed. Unconfirmed reports suggest they also weigh your balls and check your ass for bombs.

I have been staring in mirrors again.

This time for sound reasons. I am attempting to train my facial expression for the time spent being processed.

My current favoured balance is:

10% healthy fear
50% respect for America's great history
20% a look of wide-eyed positivity
20% stupidity (specifically, being way too stupid to do anything dangerous or illegal, but not quite stupid enough to do something truly stupid like kicking holes in the side of the plane, mid-air)

I also have a checklist of things to avoid (but not avoid so hard that you look like you're desperately avoiding them) These are not merely limited to facial expressions, but also take in inadvisable personal behaviours.

These include:

Looking like I know loads of important information that will make the US authorities look like utter mugs when I put it to use
Staring into the far distance
Unprovoked streams of evil laughter
Constant Blinking
Constant Perspiring
Having a face that is a mask of frozen terror
Involuntary blurting of extreme Islamic slogans
Mouthing the phrase "I will die today" repeatedly
Patting the pockets of my poacher's jacket, saying, "Fuse wire, check, timer, check, plastic explosive, check..."

I think that covers just about everything.

Contribution to World's Store of Knowledge AND a Tiny Bit of Politics - #1

While waiting for a client today, I wrote an entry on Brian Haw for the Open Encyclopaedia, Wikipedia. Brian Haw has been leading a personal protest in Parliament Square, London, since 1st June 2001. He is protesting at the US-led invasions of Iraq and Afghanistan and subsequent suffering caused to the civilian populations of both countries. You can learn more about Brian Haw at his website.

To see how my entry fits into the wikipedia, view the entry on Parliament Square and click the Brian Haw link in penultimate paragraph. Or go straight there.


Blogger Claypot said...

Have they started all the eyeball scanning fingerprinting shit already? That scares the willies out of me. Be careful what you say going through immigration, with particular regards to your occupation. One time I flew to NY on business to go to a workshop with our American counterparts. I was working as a copywriter at the time. I went with a graphic design partner. He sailed through immigration WITH A BAG FULL OF SCALPELS AND SPRAYMOUNT, while I was held for an hour as they quizzed me on what exactly I would be 'writing' whilst in the US. Just saying. You might want to claim to be a farmer, or something innocuous.

12:57 AM  
Blogger kingfelix said...


thanks for that, duly noted.
i will assert only my other occupation, the one that brings in money, Web Design/Development


6:37 AM  
Blogger Claypot said...

Not stalking or anything, but I also wanted to say I loved the nuts of inner peace being nibbled by the squirrels of doubt. Awesome. I would have said it earlier but the net connection died. I quite like the crawling baby of curiousity too actually.

9:49 AM  
Blogger Chox said...

LOL...i love your checklist. staring into the distance freaks 'em out a little. have fun in the USA and please accept my apology for the behavior of my president.

10:53 PM  

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