Monday, November 22, 2004

I'm sorry, but I love to sleep... - 14 days!

I had a thought yesterday, as I trudged home alone once more from the Internet cafe. It was about work, and how tired I am.

I figured it was time to play straight with my clients and let them know the score.

A press release would do the trick:

"I am sorry to note that the rollout of your product to the Japanese market is going to be delayed significantly as I have spent the last 7 days lying in bed and playing with myself."

Attached would be a photo of me asleep in bed, my bed covers bearing the legend,

"I've slept through all my deadlines"

I am not usually one for masses of sleep, but lately, I've figured it's the easiest way to make it through the time before I leave for the US. It will also save the airport officials from searching through the bags under my eyes for contrabrand. Currently, I could safely stash an AK-47 and enough grenades to make a suicide bomber blush in their, ooh, voluminous folds.

Me and my Giant Belly

On the subject of voluminous folds, it gives me enormous pleasure to note that my belly has been significantly reduced in size. While figures are only available for the month ending October 2004, and have yet to be seasonally adjusted, this did not stop my imaginary Minister for Jason's Voluminous Folds / Fat Belly from issuing the following statement this morning:

"I am pleased to announce, that after a dogged 8 month campaign, that my department is finally starting to deliver the Belly Reduction that was promised as part of our controversial Jase, Don't eat so fucking much plan, which opposition groups attacked at the time for its supposedly hopeless optimism.

Our optimism was not misplaced, however, and our targets were met and exceeded at every stage of assessment. I would like to highlight these successes by listing just a few of them point by point:

1) Not stuffing your face with chips when you're sad - 95% Success

2) Not eating giant pizzas and washing them down with Coke while lying around watching porn -
85% Success

3) Not eating crisp sandwiches each day because you can't be bothered to cook -
90% Success

We are now confident that the long-term goal of an overall reduction in Belly Volume of 200% is within reach. Today, I am pleased to announce the target date for Total Success in Belly Reduction. That date is Feb 3rd, 2005, and I look forward to returning to this House on that date to announce further success."

Stay tuned, people, The Minister for Non-Fizzy Hair and the Committee on Not Slagging Yourself Off will be putting in appearances in the coming weeks...

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