Tuesday, January 11, 2005

Buffalo / Drive

Today saw the resumption of my extremely short US driving career. I had already proposed to Hannah obtaining my own set of wheels, as I have been conducting thought experiments of how I would negotiate the intersections from the safety of the passenger seat, and the outcomes have not been encouraging.

Buffalo and Lake

We drove past some buffalo, we drove past a lake. Hannah looked scared. I thought about the various potential scenarios.

1) Mr Unction hits buffalo and careers into lake
2) Mr Unction swerves to avoid buffalo and careers into lake
3) Mr Unction ploughs into lake and while trying to escape is savaged by buffalo
4) Mr Unction ploughs into buffalo, wounding buffalo. Mr Unction climbs out to check buffalo and is savaged by dying buffalo. While staggering around wounded, Mr Unction falls into lake. As Mr Unction is drowning, car rolls back into lake and crushes him.

Past accidents

I have a history of unfortunate events unfolding whenever I get involved with motorcars. Here are some of my most famous disasters.

The rolling car - One day, back in Tamworth in the Midlands, there was a knock on the door. It was a stranger.
"Do you own a red Mini Metro?"
"Yes."
"Is that it?"
He then pointed to my red Mini Metro, it was rolling down the hill our street lay on.
I rushed after it barefoot and managed to get inside just as it rolled into the brand new car of a big guy I knew, a big guy who regularly wore a bandana.
I was all for keeping quiet about this incident, but my father insisted on honesty, so I had to confess. My father was also insistent that I hadn't put the handbrake on properly, but I still dispute this.

The drowning car - While I was at college, I lived in a house with no parking space. I would leave my car at various strategic locations, where parking was free, but they were all so far away that some days I'd ponder taking a taxi to where my car lay. Then I discovered the public slipway, down near where I used to work, tended to be empty most evenings. I would park my car just at the edge of the River Dart. Everything was fine in the world.

What I hadn't realised was that the River Dart at Totnes, despite being more than 10 miles inland, is tidal. One day I came down to my car and climbed in, and horror of horrors, the seats were soaking wet. The interior also smelled like a fish tank. The car wouldn't start, so I had to leave it there to dry out.

I purchased a copy of the Tide Times and confirmed that a Spring tide had damaged my car.

My car slowly dried out, but it smelled awful. I had no money and couldn't move it or have it repaired. I assembled a posse of friends and we pushed the car back up the slipway and into a spare parking space. For a few weeks that was okay. Then one day, as I walked past, I noticed that my car had gone.

Why would anyone steal a car that doesn't go anywhere?

I pondered this as I walked to the police station. When I reported my car stolen, the desk sergeant laughed.
"We took it away last week. It was an obstruction. You'll need to contact this auto yard to recover it."
I couldn't believe it. A meddling neighbour must've called the cops.
I called the auto yard. The guy was not friendly, he demanded a load of money to return my car.
I still had no money.
A few months later I finally had some money. I called the auto yard.
"Your car has been crushed, mate," he said gleefully, "and you owe me 800 quid."
I put the phone down, shocked.

That was the last car I owned.

*

There are more stories of automotive misery, but I'm feeling too much despair to go on after recalling this.

2 Comments:

Blogger captainkirk said...

i wish life in tamworth was this interesting

12:18 PM  
Blogger kingfelix said...

why not send me an email? pinhut@gmail.com

baby photos etc, none of me

thanks

x
x
x

11:49 AM  

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