Wednesday, February 16, 2005

Feeling like a Toad

Today I feel like a toad. I can't say just why.

I keep thinking of these lines from The Ticket that Exploded by William Burroughs:

"Pool covered with green slime in a ruined French garden. Huge pathic frog rises slowly from the water on a mud platform playing the clavichord."

Will I feel like a toad tomorrow?
I just had a thought, but it's okay. I wondered if I looked like a toad. I haven't been outside today or looked in the mirror, so there was a nagging doubt. It's okay. I don't look any more like a toad than usual. I'm looking and I'm seeing pretty much an image of myself looking back. It's quite a relief.

This still doesn't resolve the question of what tomorrow may bring. Now, I know that it's true that we never rightly know what may happen tomorrow, and boy, have enough people said as much when I've felt down and lonely.

"Hey, you don't know what might happen tomorrow? Do you?"
"Well, I figured that tomorrow I'd still be poor and working at a dairy packing milk, but hey, maybe you're right and I'll be abducted by sex-starved bikini teens on the way to work..."

Why do people tell you all about the wondrous possibilities of life when you have no life? Would they try to cure a man's thirst by describing giant bottles of Coca-Cola? Or dole out their wisdom to those without legs...

"Hey, I never knew you had no legs? Let me sit here and tell you all about legs and the wonderful world of the legged and how people with legs start out with no legs, just like you, but, by the power of positive thinking, hey presto, they grow legs!"

Would somebody spare me this world full of fools?

I've wondered off the point. I have a perfectly good life, I'm not thirsty, and I have legs. That really was a hopeless digression. I still feel like a toad, though.

Okay, philosophical speculation aside, it seems to me I have one more thing to consider than the average person. The average person may have their problems, but they don't likely worry about what animal they will feel like in the morning. Who knows? Maybe I am going to feel like a different animal each day? I have posted a question for Ian D. on this, as he is fast becoming my one-stop shop for medical ephemera.

Am I going to wind up like Stalking Cat (pictured below), and start having my physical body modified to look more like a toad? What a depressing thought, being the Toad Man, Creeping Toad, Man-Toad, the Green Freak...

Maybe after 10 years of cosmetic surgery I'll look something like this:

I suppose I can at least look forward to an unexpected career in the circus.

Weird referal URL (part of an occasional series)

Eternal thanks to the person who found Extreme Unction through a search for "sidestreet blowjobs" - I am sorry, but that introductory offer from Extreme Unction has now expired!


Blogger Ian said...

I don't recall hearing of a specific illness entailing a fixed belief that one is an (non-human) animal. However, if in fact one is not another animal, but clings to such a belief despite incontrovertible evidence to the contrary, then the belief would qualify as a run-of-the mill delusion. Delusions, in turn, can occur with any number of psychiatric illnesses, the most prominent of which is schizophrenia. They can also just be transient and relatively meaningless.

If one had the intense desire to be some other animal, but recognized that he was merely a human, the condition might fall into the same class as other body identity disorders. These all involve a feeling that one was never meant to be what one is, but rather some other form that one desires to be. In one example, a transsexual feels "trapped" in his body, and believes that he could only express his true identity unfettered if he were to become a woman. Another interesting example of such a disorder is apotemnophilia, in which the individual possesses all his limbs but feels as if the expression of his true identity would require him to become an amputee. [Not to be confused with acrotomophilia, a paraphilia consisting of an intense desire to have sex with amputees.] Some surgeons have actually performed elective amputations for such patients -- with remarkable results -- in order to help them surmount their identity disorder.

I don't know enough about your specific toadiness to make any conjectures as to the nature of your problem, unfortunately. At least I could provide a couple of pieces of medical trivia, right? In any case, you don't seem to have the body identity type of disorder, as you don't really WANT to be a toad; you don't seem to have a delusion, as you recognize that you are not a toad, but just feel like one; overall, you seem to have an unusual sensation, but I doubt that the phenomenon is anything really pathologic. However, given your recent marriage and the inevitable kissing of the bride attendant with the ceremony, I'm surprised you didn't just turn into a prince, as the fairy tales would lead us to believe...

8:38 PM  
Blogger kingfelix said...


Just a few points in response to that most literate of comments.

Firstly, thank you for helping my blog to be found through the search terms "amputee sex" and "sex with amputees", it sure beats "Schwans pagoda egg rolls" and "wagon sexxx."

On the subject of kissing, it's something of a shame, but due to the strees I developed a fever blister (in the UK, we call them cold sores) on my lip, the evening of the wedding.

Soooooo... maybe the fact I am seeing myself as toad-like is because I have yet to be able to properly kiss my wife (???)

Reading through your explanation, at least I didn't feel like an amputee toad, or a female toad inside a male toad's body.

I'm left feeling half-toad, half-blessed.

Thank you, Doctor!

9:31 PM  
Blogger anan said...

confused say;
man who put flies on toast in morning is unhoppy all day.

11:05 AM  
Blogger KarbonKountyMoos said...

Funny - I never realized the toad's lack of a neck until I saw him in that lovely plaid shirt.

Heal quickly!

4:40 PM  
Blogger L said...

ian d: sounds like someone's been reading Bizarre magazine

love the toad photo, pinhut. you make a rather distinguished looking toad :)

6:39 PM  
Blogger kingfelix said...

i'm cured of my toadiness. i've hardly eaten any flies this morning...

7:08 PM  

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