Thursday, April 28, 2005

Notes from the Alternative History of Everything

*** From a piece I am doing for Tomazi ***

There is a huge chunk of history missing.

I refer to this time as The Barefoot Years. It lasted about five million years, give or take a month. Now, the essential character of this time was that the human foot proceeded around and about in a state that was simply speaking, unshod. Neither the shoe, the garter, the sock, or the pinstripe suit had yet come into existence. Life was tough, life was hard. There was not a lot of stuff and what there was was insufficient. Now, the First Shoe, that's a tricky business. It used to be thought that the first shoes were constructed of banana skins, but this is most likely a myth circulated during the 1960s, when everyone in America finally admitted to being a drug addict.

It is my contention that the First Shoe was not a shoe at all, but a mutation in the species. It is my contention that one Male was born with An Extra Hairy Foot that Suffered Less in the Cold. From here, it is but a small leap of the imagination to contemplate sixty centuries of venerating HairyFoot, before one bright spark actually set about a replication and came up with the First Shoe for the mass market. At this time, the mass market consisted of about 20-30 shaggy-haired Hairyfoot worshippers, all of them broke. The product was mothballed (presuming that mothballs existed way back when).

So, money arises, exchanges are made, an Ice Age arrives. Suddenly, worshipping HairyFoot is no longer a means to anything but frostbite. The cold, the blue toes, and the diminution of beasties to hunt, all this takes a toll on faith - it is time for the Second Coming. The Shoe is adopted.

Now, the discovery of Stone Age Sneakers in the Neanderthal Valley has rightly caused much excitement and academic debate. As Professor Winesburg proclaimed, “This is the single greatest discovery in palaentology since the unearthing of a Neolithic Gay Nightclub in Capodica in 1986.” As ever, there is dissent. Professor Gingham disputes the origin of the Sneakers. “To my mind, a single question remains unanswered, how can a pair of Stone Age Sneakers be emblazoned with the face of Iggy Pop, it simply doesn't make sense. Are we going to posit that Iggy Pop has access to a time machine?” This question, in turn, inspired a wonderful symposium that convened in the swamps of Louisiana – Iggy Pop and Time Travel: Practical Considerations, Teleological Objections, and Good Old-Fashioned Southerned Cooking.


Blogger L said...

funny :)

10:20 AM  

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