Monday, September 26, 2005

Goodbye England

The England, in this case, being Private Lyndie England, who has been found guilty of torturing prisoners at Abu Graib prison in Iraq.

It transpires that Iraqi prisoners did neither spontaneously form themselves into pyramid-shaped crystals, nor did they see such acrobatics as serving their aesthetic, moral, or spiritual purposes upon planet Earth.

Likewise, having Lyndie England point at your genitalia while smirking seems also to have not been a conscious choice on the part of Iraqis, although I understand there are Englishmen of middle years, who received boarding school educations, who would be happy to pay for the privilege of receiving such treatment.

Please just sentence Private England to 10 years in Abu Graib.

If we wanted to take the vile and the disgusting, such as the above, and see how it is rendered by the decadent, too-much-money, not-enough-braincells, Western consumers of today, then it is worth turning the EXTREME Unction searchlight momentarily on the antics of Video and Adventure services (VAS), and its "master-mind" Brad Enright, who stages "executive kidnappings" for the bored rich.

"Another client, David, paid for the pleasure of being blindfolded, locked in a box and driven to Massachusetts ("I am very surprised that I survived"). What was the attraction? "I am such a conservative individual," he says. "I don't do outlandish things. This is my bungee-jumping - which is something I would never do." He struggles to articulate what appeals about kidnap: "It's a very personal experience, very personal." But he will admit that, "I like the fear. I like rollercoasters and this was like a rollercoaster." Was there anything unpleasant about the kidnap? "Oh yeah," says David. "One time I got maple syrup thrown all over me. I was flipping out. You couldn't wash it off."

Do I have to point out the doubly sordid nature of what's going on here? First the real-life transgression against "the enemy", followed by the utterly safe, Hollywood parody of the real, that is the phoney kidnap. I would have more respect if the company cut their client's heads off at the end.

What next? Will it emerge that bored executives are being "Arabized", equipped with new skin colour, brainwashed into extreme Islam, their memories of the West erased totally, and then dispatched to Guantanomo bay or Afghanistan, etc? In a devilish twist, the company who organizes their "exectuive excursion" is destroyed by a hurricane, and all its records lost. Meanwhile, bored executives slowly recover their memories and begin desperate legal battles from Camp X-ray... they try to reason with their captors:

"You are Isfaq Iqbal Muhammud, captured 2005 in Southern Afghanistan, with six pounds of plastic explosive in your possession; you are an Al Qaida operative."
"No, I am Dave Schneider, from New Jersey, and I was here on an executive package, just for a month while the rest of my team went snowboarding in Colorado..."
"Okay, Isfaq, that's enough! You will not insult my intelligence, or my proud nation, with your disgusting lies......"
"But it's my country, too, and I bow before the same flag..."
At that, the interrogator snaps and flashing forward, smashes Dave's nose with a well-placed punch.
Dave lies on the floor, clutching his broken nose. He manages to sob, "That isn't fair... that wasn't in the brochure..."



I have to go now. I am about to become a millionaire selling Koran toilet paper that true American patriots can wipe their patriotic asses with and flush down their Star Spangled Commodes... watch for me on the cover of Fortune magazine.


Blogger Jim said...

Well done as usual. Maybe we should have a reality show where a bunch of executives get stranded on a desert island and every day they vote to have ONE of the contestants' heads cut off.

Now that would be some good TV.

9:52 AM  

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