Saturday, September 10, 2005

Microlecture 1 - Barrel Travel in a Toeless World

... a Microlecture on the Substance from Which the Toes Pertain...

Far well, it has been held fast to the commonplace, that the toes are in the depth of their matter, composed strictly, incontrovertibly, from the same essence as that part of the body to which they are commonly affixed, namely, the foot. Folly, says I, for with my home-made microscope, I have reached an alternative view, that the toes are not resident to the human being, their alien manner and modes of behaviour, having thus far, throughout history, been shrouded by their chosen instrument of denial, the shoe. For, when the independent mind doth remove both footwear, and, where climate necessitates, the socks, is one not confronted by the very real proposition that what one observes is uncalled for, hostile even. A wild mix of rumour and scientific study maintains that without the toes one is unable to propel oneself successfully throughout the world without recourse to stick or wheeled chair. Is this true? What does it say for the munificence and worldly sense of our Divine Creator, to suggest that He, in the infiniteness of His Wisdom, should provide us with such a delicate mechanism as the toes for making our way in the World? Aha, say some, but the Creator also gave us the capacity to Invent Shoes as Protection, and to implement safety regimens and to exercise varying degrees of caution.

To this, I have but one word by way of rejoinder - Shoo!

It is my contention, reached honorably and without need of mind-abraiding potions or elixirs of the distilled sort, it is my unabashed, unabridged, and unbending view, that the prime means of perambulation for humans is not to walk upright at all upon this earth. Rather, we have been misled by the parasitic invasion of the toe, forced into the monopoly of walking when other means exist. If only men of firm mind could grasp them and ride out the inevitable rabble-roused hue and cry, the opprobrium afforded all those who would exercise their faculties without slavish adherence to convention, and, undaunted, strike out upon another path, whither it may lead.

It is for this reason that I have begun moving through the world by means of sitting inside a barrel. In this toe-free pursuit, I simply set myself in the direction I wish to travel, and then, in accordance with Newton's Laws, all one requires is a sufficient Push, the better to generate Momentum. In this, I have claimed able assistance from passers-by, their intentions admittedly not always noble, the Energie imparted to my Barrel often being of an Intensity and Duration that throws both my physical and immaterial body into a Storm of Confusion. It was in this manner that upon 3rd March, 1841, I travelled from Burton-upon-Trent to the fine city of Derby, a fulsome fifteen miles, in less than 2 hours. I emerged from my barrel, bloody but unbowed, and was able to keep my appointment with the local scientific society, who listened with open gobs to my astonishing findings, both theoretical, and practical, as attested to by my advanced state of dishevelment.

*** End of Report ***


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