Friday, January 06, 2006

Pat Robertson - Officially Still Crazy

If Ariel Sharon's stroke is a message from God, then how will Pat Robertson die?

Here is my top 10:

1) Struck by lightning while invoking God's wrath ("And I say this to you, let God strike DOWN the sinners..." ZAPPPP!)
2) Robertson's head begins spinning repeatedly as he preaches, arms and legs drop off and eight fibrous black legs emerge from his trunk. To the shattered faithful Robertson is revealed as an Alien Spider Monster. After a televised chase through downtown L.A., he is shot dead by police marksmen, "to protect the American people."
3) Subject to internal plagues ("Locusts were shooting out of his butt...")
4) Crushed by enormous falling cross
5) Heart attack in titty bar ("Robertson supporters insist that Pat was only in the titty bar to ask for directions to a nearby church. It was only as a Christian gesture of thanks that Robertson tucked a 50 dollar bill into the panties of a dancer...")
6) Collapsing floor above Robertson's bedroom releases load of gold bars bought with stolen donations, crushing Robertson in bed with young boys
7) Robertson undergoes brain injury live on 700 Club and starts randomly confessing all the money he has swindled from little old ladies all over America. He is treated in a private clinic, but no way to stop his confessing is found, has to remain in permanent seclusion wearing gag and tongue clamp. Hunted down by posse of angry sweet old ladies and beaten to death with walking sticks.
8) Shot dead while soliciting in a Satan costume
9) Wheeled from apartment, butt naked on live TV, an enormous crucifix sticking from his ass and an apple in his mouth
10) Body explodes at a revival meeting, showering faithful with body parts. Pathology report discovers untreated case of syphilis that was generating hallucinations with mystical overtones. ("If Mr Robertson had not so vigorously toured the fleshpots of Europe and the Near East, it is most likely he would never have encountered the voice of God...")


Blogger banana said...

if pat robertson confessed all the money he swindled from little old ladies, including my own step-great-grandmother who left my grandmom's and great-uncles' birthright to the bastard, it would never end.

9:05 AM  
Blogger banana said...

have you noticed that when pat robertson "prays" he scrunches up his face like he's trying really hard to take a crap?

10:12 AM  
Blogger kingfelix said...

Likewise, the Face of God scrunches up to look like Pat Robertson when the Almighty takes a crap. And strangely, the Lord's excreta looks like Pat Robertson, too.

Wait, this is like the Tetris Blocks all over again, everything is starting to look like Pat Robertson's scrunched up face.

10:26 AM  
Blogger FleshPresser said...

I'm with you... even have a picture of the scrunched up face on my blog, too!!! :)

12:53 PM  
Blogger kingfelix said...

Good stuff, mr presser

Keep that face scrunched for Jesus...

1:23 PM  
Blogger LaPopessa said...

Between this and all the other smiting Pat's been doing on behalf of God lately, it makes me think that Sharon isn't the only one with an arterial flow problem.

6:20 PM  

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